The following are some suggestions on ‘How to Survive Being an Older Single Lady at Social Events’:
1.) Never be on time, especially if going to a married couple’s house for a social event. Married couples (hosting or attending) are rarely are on time themselves. If you do arrive early, you will inevitably be the first to arrive (possibly by a good hour or so). Which is just awkward. Even at the best of times…
2.) Be prepared to experience further awkward moments sporadically throughout the evening – over where the hang to sit at the table so as not to split up couples, or where to be when everyone else of your gender is changing poo nappies, feeding children, putting them to sleep, or leaning comfortably against a significant other.
3.) Talk about the children you would like to have one day as much as those who have children are doing so. Give your ‘children’ names and funny quirks. Do some thorough research on schooling opportunities so that you can provide an educated opinion when the topic comes up.
4.) (If you don’t feel comfortable with suggestion 3, then do what singles normally do – ask incessant questions about those children present and accounted for throughout the course of the evening, or dialogue directly with said children, even if you have to field developmental questions about genitals and which particular set you might have…)
5.) Bring a very strong drink with you.
6.) Practise glaring down all remarks about being the feminist single in the group who is not ‘faffing’ in the kitchen (you have done the math and there are already X number of women ‘faffing’ in said kitchen and X number of clever gents sitting on their asses culturally ignoring all of it…what would you do?) and therefore clearly to blame for your single status.
7.) Find the other single in the room (if you are lucky enough not to be alone) and cling to each other like shipwrecked people holding out for imminent rescue, but not too closely unless anyone gets any ideas.
8.) Better yet, divert the conversation towards that singles woes and relational shortcomings. It’s cruel, but so is much of life.
9.) Go home alone, feed your dog, climb into bed and savour the reality of a night of blissfully uninterrupted sleep ahead of you J